Dry January Thoughts.

As I'm writing this it's already past midnight and the 1st of Feb. Dry January is officially over! I suppose that I could go and pour myself a drink, there's still various stuff left over from Christmas around but I'm going to wait until tomorrow night and do things properly. I didn't give abstaining from alcohol and signing up to Dry Jan any thought whatsoever. At some point on the 2nd of Jan I realised that I hadn't had a drink in the New Year and thought I'd give it a go.

Nowadays (and probably ever since I've been a parent really) New Years Eve is not a night when I drink very much. In the last few years as the kids have got older it's become a real family affair, we dance to the birdie song, play that game when you stick famous people's names on your head and always, always have a limbo competition. At some point around 11pm I remember to get a drink and it's usually still sitting there when it's time to ring in the New Year. All that sounds very wholesome and family orientated and it is but it's not entirely representative of my general relationship with alcohol and in particular wine.

Somewhere in my 30's I stopped bothering with most other alcoholic drinks, they were all just too sweet and I'm definitely a dry white sort of girl - reds are OK now and again but that's pretty much it. I wasn't always so discerning and I realised over this four to five weeks just how young I was when I started drinking (albeit very moderately.) 

Maybe because I was an only child and like a lot of only children I was often treated as a fellow adult in certain situations. If we were having a roast and a bottle of Asti for a special occasion (ah Asti :) I'd get poured a glass with my parents, nothing more than that, but I was always included and this was from as young as 8yrs old. I remember while being a bridesmaid at a rather posh wedding when I was 9 being given a glass of sherry while I stood in the receiving line. I don't know if someone gave the waitress the nod, or if I just took the glass, but it seems rather odd to me now being a parent myself, I don't think I'd be too pleased if Alex was given alcohol at a wedding. As an elderly couple filed past the lady commented to me 'careful drinking that, it's not lemonade!' I smiled wryly and thought to myself 'I think I know how to drink a sherry thanks.'   

I think my parent's view was that alcohol was not taboo and my being involved in celebratory drinks would probably prevent alcohol being viewed as something of a holy grail when I became a teenager and to a large extent that was true. Neither of my parents were very bothered about alcohol anyway, they enjoyed the odd drink but wouldn't have cared if they could never have an alcoholic drink again. So while it didn't turn me into a binge drinking teenager, alcohol was familiar and in later life it definitely became my vice. 

I'd love to say that wine was just something I enjoy, but in reality I tend to drink to try and change my mood or less worryingly I use it for a reward...finished that essay - open the vino! Lovely night in with a film... and a bottle of wine. I'm less bothered about the reward thing, I think that's OK but I dislike the way that wine is something I turn to when I've had a horrible day. If I'm feeling hurt or miserable it's all too easy to deaden those feelings with a bottle of wine and it's such a short term solution. I don't really suffer from hangovers these days as I tend to always stick to the same drink and I guess my body is well used to it, but you can guarantee in the morning I am not going to feel better for drinking that bottle of 'Blossom Hill.'

So giving up alcohol for a month seemed  a good idea. I was quite surprised when I googled around that Dry January was mostly met with a ton of hostility. Newspapers running articles on how it 'wasn't healthy' why 'you shouldn't bother' how you're a complete pain in the arse for even considering it. I was quite surprised, but not put off! It reminded a bit of how people often seem to feel about vegetarianism ...you must be a terribly tiresome person always banging on about what you do and don't eat...erm nope... just you i can hear complaining and asking incredulously 'Just WHAT does a veggie have for Christmas dinner??' I've been listening to that one for the last 25 yrs, this year I had Quesadillas. But I digress!



At first the Christmas excess did get me through I think, particularly in the first week. But by week two I began to feel a little twitchy, especially on the weekend. There were plenty of ideas for all sorts of non alcoholic drinks you could use as a substitute but I  didn't fancy that and stayed with cups of tea (dear God imagine giving up tea for a month). 

Of course I've given up alcohol before, three times for 9 plus months so I knew this wasn't really going to be a problem but I did find that the most difficult times were when I did have a bad day. The lure of the Pinot Grigio  was strong. It sang to me in Tescos and ridiculed me from the garage, but in a really sickening move to be EVEN MORE self reflective I recognised how and why I was feeling like I was and put the kettle on - bleeuugh I know.

Towards the end of the month I got a ill and I wouldn't have been drinking anything anyway, I guess that probably helped in a way but I've still been looking forward to a glass of wine tomorrow. I can't say I've felt any healthier, anyway the moany evidence suggests that it takes around 3mths for a proper liver detox and this month was probably not a great one to provide a reliable control anyway. I wouldn't say it's made any great physical changes at all (lots of promises of great looking skin etc), however it has made me think, it has made me take stock of my habits and that's what's important.

So from tomorrow I would like to drink a little more conservatively but take more pleasure in my glasses of wine. I don't want to be heading off to the garage because I want to drown out some feeling of self-doubt or whatever else has cropped up, instead I want to savour a couple of nice glasses of more expensive wine when I'm feeling happy! I'd like to learn a little more about wine generally and enjoy it for what it is, a simple pleasure and not a short -term solution. Chin chin XX





  

Yorkshire Champion fun.

Last Sunday saw us at Alex's first big regional Gymnastics competition, the boys train all year towards this and if they aren't ready they won't be put forward to compete. Happily for us it was Leeds Gym that hosted the regional grades and boys from around Yorkshire all get together between the ages of around 7- 13 to compete at age levels with a view towards qualifying for the national grades that are held in Birmingham each year in November.

Men's artistic runs in calendar year so Alex is one of the youngest Level 1 boys being an October birthday. This means that there have been times during the last year where he has struggled to keep up with the some of the other lads who have been in the group for longer, pommels being his particular nemesis. Since last year he has been trying on his own pommel mushroom at home and at the gym to complete more than 2 consecutive circles with perfect execution.  We've watched him fall and get upset as he desperately tried to keep up with some of the other lads, one of whom he informed me could complete over 100. But gradually things came together with practice and more practice and 2 turned into 6 which turned into 10 and now he's up into the 20's far more than he needed to complete for this set competition.

The boys compete on 7 sections - Rings / Pommels/ HigBar/ Parallel Bars/Floor/Vault/ and PPP which is a set test of flexibility and strength. PPP was a great round for Alex, he's always been good at shoulder dislocations and this routine gave him a chance to show off his skills. Bry and I were both pleased that he had the opportunity to enter and compete and we enjoyed our afternoon watching some fantastic gymnastics and holding our breath when Alex competed. The trouble is at this level everyone is good, unless someone has a fall or doesn't stick a landing it's really quite difficult to know how things are going. We could tell Alex's favourite piece of apparatus, the rings, went particularly well and we found out later he scored a 9.9 out of 10. Bry also noticed however that something went a bit wrong his undershoot on the high bar, although I wouldn't have noticed and a lost a few points to get a 9.25.

We were heartened to see that he completed the day without a fall or more importantly an injury and I think we both secretly wondered if he might have done enough for a bronze. When it came to the presentations and Alex's age group and another team mate was called out in 3rd place I hoped Alex wouldn't be too disappointed and would be pleased with his good performance. I cheered for the lad in 2nd and then when I heard  Alex's name as Yorkshire Champion manically searched around my bag for my phone to take a photo completely unprepared.

Bry and I are both very proud of him, he works ridiculously hard at gym 12 hrs , some times 15hrs a week and it's a lot to fit in after school.  Although we try to get to all his other activities  he often misses out on football training or other events because there simply isn't enough time in the day. It's a lot for an 8yr lad to take on and he does it with a focused determination I'm sometimes quite in awe of.

So now he's off to the Nationals in November. Anything can happen but it's going to be a fantastic experience for him just to be there. It's not such a great experience forking out the huge amount of money for new Yorkshire kit, which is of course completely different colours to the Leeds kit but hey ho.

Making an effort...

I'm  going to make an effort and do some blogging over the next few months. With Facebook blogging seems a little unnecessary but I am pleased that have some of my old memories from other times in my life here and I may appreciate some of these entries later. Everything on FB is fairly temporary with the exception of photos.

Next week I'm starting a Postgraduate Cert in counselling at Leeds Met and I am both nervous and excited to see how things go. In October I'm also off to my graduation in Manchester which brings to a close my time studying at the OU. I loved my time at the OU and will miss it, new chapters though and all that.

I'm also getting more involved with the voluntary work I do over the Autumn and hope that I will be able to rise to that challenge.

As a parent the next few months are full of children's gradings/ comps and exams plus Holly's new start at high school which is going well so far. 

Our first big competition is on Sunday 15th Sept for Alex at the Men's Artistic Gymnastics Regional Grades handily being held at our club. It's always so nerve-wracking to watch these sort of competitions, particularly when a certain level has to be achieved in order to pass. I spend a lot of time watching from the corner of my eye and asking Bry how things are going. Fingers crossed.

I'm having problems suddenly uploading pics on to this blog but I'll sort it out, I love this little one of Al from years ago though that it remembers!

Back again!

Well I've been faffing around retrieving this blog from the depths of Google, merging accounts and I seem finally to back in business! 

I've put a few things into a private blog for me to work through later so most of this stuff is from my burlesquing days.

I hope to add to this from time to time though and regret not blogging about our trip to Hungary and various other things over the last couple of years.

Bye for now :)

The Man Comes Around- 2009

Finally this February I got a diagnosis. Cyclothymic Disorder.

Cyclothmia is a mood disorder and a form of bipolar disorder. Specifically, this disorder is a milder form of bipolar II consisting of recurrent mood disturbances between hypomania and dysthymic mood.

Did it help to put a name to what I had? Not really. The hypo manic states that I experience are fairly few and far between. Bursts of energy and motivation. It's a time when I get get things done and I'm grateful for it. I've never experienced full blown manias thank goodness. Things go well, I work hard but gradually I loose touch with what my motivation actually is. I'll start taking on too much and not realise until the last moment when it's too late. If I stay in bed all day today I'll be OK again. I won't. Everything begins to slide and I'll try to grab onto what's left before it's lost forever.

Depression follows.

Hits me like a wave and sucks me under. Depression is no stranger to me but it never fails to floor me with it's gruesome face. When I'm in a really bad state I feel as though I've suffered a severe blow to the head. If I can feel any emotion at all it's fear. Simple decisions become impossible. I can't focus my attention on anything. There appears to be no way out. This might be the one I won't recover from.

The impact on the family is huge. Bry and I have had to learn how to live with it. All I do is sleep. During this last bout of depression I slept for a ridiculous amount of time and felt as though I never wanted to wake up. Bry called in, brought tea, behaved normally (as normally as possible) told me what was important, he's there if I want to talk but it's unlikely that I will. The children pop in now and again, Alex brings me cuddly toys, Jacob gives me a kiss, Holly made me a card that said 'We love you, don't worry, take your time, we can wait.' I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have them. I fully recognise how lucky I am.

I get help and I'm coming out of this four or five week depression slowly. Little chinks of sunlight start to crack through the thunder clouds. They disappear almost immediately at first but I remember that they were there. They connect to a small electrical surge somewhere in my brain. Once there are enough small chinks of sunlight they create a surge strong enough to push through the clouds and I realise I'm coming back. As when any pain begins to lessen I'm left feeling dazed and shaky, slightly giggly. I've killed the last zombie in the building, for now anyway.

Swiped from an old blog - vague Paris visit memories.

I feel that I should have written something about Paris but I'm so lazy. I thought that my hub had written a blog in his myspace journal about it and i was just going to pinch it as i'm sure we had exactly the same experience. Alas no, only more stuff about Lord of the Rings. Maybe I can find an old email...I can...

' Paris was really cool, the weather was very good it just rained when we were at the airport which delayed the flight but that was the only downer really. Ran around like nutters, I planned where to go and then Bry got us there cos my sense of direction is v.poor! We really crammed a lot into the 3 days...Eiffel Tower, went to the top obviously. I was quite transfixed by it really. I couldn't get over how beautiful it looked from across the city. Notre Dame where you can climb the tower to see the bell and all the gargoyles, that was probably my favourite place. The Louvre where we saw the Mona Lisa and Venus de Milo, the museum is HUGE! The Bastille that was quite near our hotel, the Arc de Triomphe.. climbed that too, walked along the Champs Elysees, the Sacre Coeur and the Museum D'orsay :) We were knackered when we got back. The hotel was just quite basic (nice breakfasts though..I stole a baguette for lunch) cos we were on a budget. All good fun, it's been 9 yrs since I've been abroad so it was really nice to get back into travelling a bit. My mum looked after the kids but I think she found it hard going. In the book I was reading at the time some terrorists went around Paris blowing up pretty much everything we went to see in blood curdling detail and then blew up a plane too. It made for comforting reading on the flight. Amme x'

Mum does burlesque.

October was a nice quiet month for me burlesque wise. I had to turn a couple of gigs down unfortunately and a show for Halloween was cancelled but what with swine flu, mum being in hospital and a couple of my kids birthdays thrown in for good measure it was good to have the time off.

So instead (as well of course as diligently working on my new acts *coughs*) I interviewed my kids about what it's like to have a mum who is a burlesque performer. It's a subject that comes up on burlesque forums fairly often and there are a fair few of us out there with children. Personally I've never considered hiding burlesque performing from...well anyone really and certainly not my kids. If people ask what my children or family think of my performing I usually answer that they are supportive and proud but I thought maybe it was time that I asked them directly.


Here are the results.... I doubt very much that I will still be performing when they are teenagers but I've a feeling I may receive a different set of answers if I repeated this interview in 5 yrs time.

Interviews with Jacob (9 nearly 10 yrs) Holly (8yrs) Alex (5yrs)

What's it like to have a mum who is a burlesque performer?


Jacob - It's fun to watch at home when she's practicing. Most of the time when she's doing routines she's out at a show so we don't get to see.

Holly - I like it because she lets me watch her acts, it's cool.

Alex - I feel a bit sad when you go somewhere without me.


Do you tell other people you know what your mum does?

Yes.

I've told my best friend and my teacher and that's it.

No.


Are you embarrassed if your mates at school know?

No because I don't care what they think about my family and I know my mum's lovely. (Clearly angling for those pokemon cards here.)

No, not at all.

No.


What is your favourite routine?


Caterpillar.

Happiest Christmas Tree.

Viking (Valhalla)


Why?

Cos it's funny and I like the way she's trying to get the butterfly to like her and she keeps failing and then in the end she says tough I'm going out with the snail now.

because I like the song and the dance and I like it when you give out chocolate. I like the outfit too.

because at the end she uses the shield to 'shield' everyone.


What don't you like about having a mum who does burlesque?

When we're playing and she's practicing she makes us take all our stuff out of the lounge into the hall which is too narrow to play in. (You have a bedroom.....)

I don't like not being able to go to the shows and see you when you are doing it in front of people.

Some of the dances are too scary. I get scared of some of the viking music and the axe.


Would you like to go to a burlesque show when you are older?

Yes because I haven't seen one yet and I want to see what it's like.


Yes because I would like to watch people doing their stuff. I like bloomers, some people wear bloomers.

No because I'd get too tired, it's a long night.


What is burlesque?

It's people on stage that do this performance and it's supposed to be something that's funny for adults.

Thanks kids, now get back up that chimney!