Finally this February I got a diagnosis. Cyclothymic Disorder.
Cyclothmia is a mood disorder and a form of bipolar disorder. Specifically, this disorder is a milder form of bipolar II consisting of recurrent mood disturbances between hypomania and dysthymic mood.
Did it help to put a name to what I had? Not really. The hypo manic states that I experience are fairly few and far between. Bursts of energy and motivation. It's a time when I get get things done and I'm grateful for it. I've never experienced full blown manias thank goodness. Things go well, I work hard but gradually I loose touch with what my motivation actually is. I'll start taking on too much and not realise until the last moment when it's too late. If I stay in bed all day today I'll be OK again. I won't. Everything begins to slide and I'll try to grab onto what's left before it's lost forever.
Depression follows.
Hits me like a wave and sucks me under. Depression is no stranger to me but it never fails to floor me with it's gruesome face. When I'm in a really bad state I feel as though I've suffered a severe blow to the head. If I can feel any emotion at all it's fear. Simple decisions become impossible. I can't focus my attention on anything. There appears to be no way out. This might be the one I won't recover from.
The impact on the family is huge. Bry and I have had to learn how to live with it. All I do is sleep. During this last bout of depression I slept for a ridiculous amount of time and felt as though I never wanted to wake up. Bry called in, brought tea, behaved normally (as normally as possible) told me what was important, he's there if I want to talk but it's unlikely that I will. The children pop in now and again, Alex brings me cuddly toys, Jacob gives me a kiss, Holly made me a card that said 'We love you, don't worry, take your time, we can wait.' I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have them. I fully recognise how lucky I am.
I get help and I'm coming out of this four or five week depression slowly. Little chinks of sunlight start to crack through the thunder clouds. They disappear almost immediately at first but I remember that they were there. They connect to a small electrical surge somewhere in my brain. Once there are enough small chinks of sunlight they create a surge strong enough to push through the clouds and I realise I'm coming back. As when any pain begins to lessen I'm left feeling dazed and shaky, slightly giggly. I've killed the last zombie in the building, for now anyway.
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